What I Have Become Because of Bipolar Disorder

A VISIT to Facebook’s “On This Day” prodded me to share on my Timeline a Status Post dated July 11, 2014 at 10:16pm, which is three years ago today. I discovered two others, written on the same day, July 11, 2014, and both pertained to my Bipolar Disorder. Both posts are blog potential so here they are, copied as is. Clicking the highlighted dates will take you to the original posts.

July 11, 2014 at 6:47pm

Please understand that I hate what I have become because of this illness. It is not just about the struggle to accept that I suffer from it – and acknowledging it along the way, it is more on my constant struggle to overcome the DISINTEREST in just about anything! I even force myself to take a shower! Can you believe that?

My faith in God is very strong and it is that which keeps me going. I understand enough and I know from my experiences in the past that God will not give me something which I cannot carry. And no burden is that too heavy for me to carry because I have already carried more than a fair share of the world’s ills.

What is killing me is the inability to be productive as I was before this sudden attack of illness engulfed me. I did say that I will take it one day at a time and to take it easy. Just let it flow, as Waleed told me. Don’t hurry up things, etc. etc. . .

But the thing is I am a very impatient person. I know I can give more and I WANT to GIVE MORE! And I hate being idle! I really have to force myself to do some things, which is not to my liking!

When, oh when do I get out from this quagmire?

July 11, 2014 at 3:04pm

Sooner or later, I will have to go out from my shell, so why not do it now? Can’t hibernate this long as I really am not happy with it, so I really have to make it happen!

Yes, I still am mourning – for the loss of so many – which happened simultaneously I didn’t have the ready resolve to face courageously and triumphantly each one of them, as I pride myself to have always had done successfully in the past. My spirit finally gave in as it tried to cope with the most devastating blow to my being so far!

I have now become my own enemy as I struggled to fight this dilemma and I wonder who will win? Will it be the depressed me or the manic me? My choice is to be in the last state yet the first still prevails and I ask myself why? Are the medications prescribed to me not enough to manage the chemical imbalances in my body? Has my body been exposed too much and too many to varying medications it is able to camouflage or withstand the effects? Just like my body has developed an immunity to all these meds?

Or is it too soon?

About Author

Freda Editha O. Contreras
Writing is a God-given talent which I try to utilize the good way. I used it as a means to earn a living, my very first job after graduating from college, when I got hired as an Information Writer by the Provincial Government of Antique through Governor Enrique A. Zaldivar in January 1982. By profession, I am a Registered Nurse, and was only able to practice it when I got recruited to work in a private hospital in Kuwait. This was in November 1987 and since then I have been living in Kuwait, now retired since June 2002. Because of my knack in writing I got hired in 1994 to write for Kuwait Times and later became an Editor of 'Pinoy News' a weekly supplement of KT. In March 1996 I published the very first independent Filipino newspaper in Kuwait and the Gulf bannered as Pinoy Expat News or PEN. The paper lasted for only 10 weekly issues. This was followed by another publication and came out first as an insert of an ad paper and later as a separate tabloid. I used then 'Pinoy News' as it was my idea the first time it was used for Kuwait Times. This again failed and produced only three weekly issues. I then turned to the Internet and in 1999 I got hired as a Contributing Editor of Suite101.com, a writers' portal on the web. The last of my articles was published December 31, 2002 but my topic 'Overseas Filipino Workers' was still visible until January 2006. All the 38 articles I wrote have been compiled into a book which I published in August 2007. I discovered blogging in 2006 but was not really serious about my writing. I wrote according to my whim. Having this blog under my own domain name is now a welcome development and I plan to concentrate again in writing. As is commonly said: "A writer will always be a writer." http://fredacontreras.com/

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