A VISIT to Facebook’s “On This Day” prodded me to share on my Timeline a Status Post dated , which is three years ago today. I discovered two others, written on the same day, July 11, 2014, and both pertained to my Bipolar Disorder. Both posts are blog potential so here they are, copied as is. Clicking the highlighted dates will take you to the original posts.
Please understand that I hate what I have become because of this illness. It is not just about the struggle to accept that I suffer from it – and acknowledging it along the way, it is more on my constant struggle to overcome the DISINTEREST in just about anything! I even force myself to take a shower! Can you believe that?
My faith in God is very strong and it is that which keeps me going. I understand enough and I know from my experiences in the past that God will not give me something which I cannot carry. And no burden is that too heavy for me to carry because I have already carried more than a fair share of the world’s ills.
What is killing me is the inability to be productive as I was before this sudden attack of illness engulfed me. I did say that I will take it one day at a time and to take it easy. Just let it flow, as Waleed told me. Don’t hurry up things, etc. etc. . .
But the thing is I am a very impatient person. I know I can give more and I WANT to GIVE MORE! And I hate being idle! I really have to force myself to do some things, which is not to my liking!
When, oh when do I get out from this quagmire?
Sooner or later, I will have to go out from my shell, so why not do it now? Can’t hibernate this long as I really am not happy with it, so I really have to make it happen!
Yes, I still am mourning – for the loss of so many – which happened simultaneously I didn’t have the ready resolve to face courageously and triumphantly each one of them, as I pride myself to have always had done successfully in the past. My spirit finally gave in as it tried to cope with the most devastating blow to my being so far!
I have now become my own enemy as I struggled to fight this dilemma and I wonder who will win? Will it be the depressed me or the manic me? My choice is to be in the last state yet the first still prevails and I ask myself why? Are the medications prescribed to me not enough to manage the chemical imbalances in my body? Has my body been exposed too much and too many to varying medications it is able to camouflage or withstand the effects? Just like my body has developed an immunity to all these meds?
Or is it too soon?