THE lows of my bipolar disorder are taking time to pass this time around and I attribute it more on my intense pain in my lower back and my two lower extremities. Despite the pain medications, which I take even if they can damage my kidneys, I am never without pain.
Back pain, of course, has always been with me since my lumbar and sacral vertebrae started to degenerate faster and more than the rest of my upper vertebrae, but the intensity is more at present. I cannot bear the pain! There is also wedging of the affected vertebrae plus scoliosis. And there is this condition called Spondylolisthesis of the lumbar spine, diagnosed nearly a decade ago. And each and everyone of the conditions mentioned are causing pain!
The culprit is both my inherited Osteogenesis Imperfecta or the commonly-called “brittle bone disease” and Osteoporosis which set in in advance as a result of an early menopause, brought about by the removal of both my ovaries when cancer was discovered in my uterus in the late 2000. I was only 43 years old then.
When I am low, I tend to isolate myself and wallow in self-pity, which, fight though I may with my natural positive demeanor, always surfaces. What I dread most during this phase is the feeling of worthlessness, magnified by the pain and other conditions in my body. And my disinterest in doing what I love doing is ever present and it makes me feel useless. It’s like my life is empty and no meaning at all!
I did mention in an old blog post that the best way to manage depression is just to allow its course to take place and not fight it. (Please refer to Treating Depression the Positive Way.) But I am not happy with it in as much as the inactivity is making me restless.
But seeing the good of it, by way of me being able to sleep well and long, is somehow helping and that is how I manage the lows at the moment. My body gets to rest and as has proven by science, healing takes place more when one is asleep. Good that my awareness of the low phase is very strong, I am somehow able not to get too much affected by it. I just now am simply waiting till it passes.
And soon, please, God, I pray!